Category Archives: humor

The view from above

I’m 6’4. It’s not a big deal unless you’re the tallest guy on the court (and the most uncoordinated) and you get picked early for some playground ball, but that’s (hopefully) not too likely to happen.

What is life like for tall folks? Well…we’re damn awesome at helping old ladies grab items from higher shelves at a supermarket, but that’s about as far as some would venture a guess. But there’s so much more to being a tall guy than just being a gentleman.

Baseball: Outfield. First base. Pitcher. Great spots to play, mainly due to the excessive (i.e., awesome) reach we typically have, coupled with the extra torque we can generate from a longer release (more mph on the gun) and you have yourself (and your team) a much better defender and typically harder thrower.
Wait, you like offense? Hell, just watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvvNHHLsxiM — he’s only 6’2, but anything on the inside of the plate, well…that’s where we have our wheelhouse. Did I mention he has a Gold Glove?
Basketball? Just hop on Google and figure it out.
Football? The average WR height is 5’11 — and the average CB is 5″10 (from http://www.sprayberryfootball.com/page/show/292837-nfl-player-specs). But don’t sweat it if you’re not booking a 4.5 40 — the average QB height per the site is 6’2, so we’ve got that covered, too.

Granted, being tall is nice and all, but finding clothes that fit is a slight burden. Big and tall is big AND tall — if you’re a skinny tall guy, you’d be better off wearing your father’s hand-me-downs.
A seat on a bus, train or plain is usually a tight fit, although sometimes we get aisle seats, which is about as close to heaven as we can get during a long trip.

Anything else I missed? Add some comments below and we’ll pick this conversation up later on down the road.

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Planned Parenthood donations in Palin’s name – Irony to the Nth degree

Now [this] is irony (and a bit of comedy for a good cause, as well):

People making donations to Planned Parenthood in honor of Sarah Palin.

Now, Palin is a starch anti-abortionist who not only made rape victims PAY for their rape kits, but she is also against abortions in the case of incest or rape, going so far as to tell people that had her own daughter been raped, she should not support an abortion.

The quote of the article lies at the bottom; from a Jeff Sadosky a communications director for the  McCain camp: “This crass political stunt is yet another reminder that the Barack Obama campaign and its surrogates has given up on the ‘new politics of hope’ that they were so proud of a few short months ago.”

How Obama’s name even came into this I’ll never know, but hey, this is America; I guess overly-broad umbrella-like generalizations are ok, so long it’s not against you / your candidate / your cause / your beliefs. After all, screw everyone else, [you] are always right (I hate the saying, but no pun intended).

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Obama, the celebrity…

John McCain, the presumptive GOP nominee for president, has a new attack ad that targets Barack Obama, the presumptive Democratic nominee.

“He’s the biggest celebrity in the world,” the ad begins, while flashing pictures of Brittney Spears and Paris Hiton over a video of an Obama speech and chants of “OBAMA, OBAMA!”

Near the end of the (thankfully short) 30 second video, the voice-over announces “higher taxes, more foreign oil. That’s the real Obama.”

Juxtaposing a presidential candidate who has a Harvard law degree with the likes of a singer-turned-batshit insane and a hotel heiress who’s largest claim to fame is from a sex tape? Come on now. It doesn’t even make any sense.

So what, people like Obama. It happens. I like the man. I’m still trying to find time between working two jobs and freelancing so I can volunteer for his campaign more. Yes, he is charismatic. Ok, that part we get…so now, since I’ve suddenly hit a creative binge, let’s take a look inside the minds of John McCain’s marketing strategists before this ad was thought up:

SETUP…After watching a FOX News clip of Obama playing basketball during his stay in Iraq.

Michael: Physical features? We can do an ad attacking how Obama looks too good to be the President – a man with such a high power should not be looking like he goes to the gym in the morning.

Ann: Come on now, we’ve all seen the FedEx commercial where everyone is what their name suggests, and there was already a Mr. Turkeyneck, so there’s really no other platform to run Mr. McCain on.  Besides, a reporter already asked that question and those damned liberal baby-killing bloggers came out firing.

Beth: I know! Those evil Marxist God-haters! Yes they deserve to die, and I hope they burn in hell!

Michael, Ann: Beth – that’s a bit much.

Beth: I know, but that was my Samuel L. Jackson sound byte of the day! Gotcha!

Michael, Ann: -GROAN- You got us…

Beth: Seriously though, we can get some younger voters on board with us by channeling a popular show on MTV and using it to show people how John McCain isn’t unlike them at all!

Michael: No-go. Tried that idea once before and then that John Stewart got a hold of it and made fun of us on his “Daily Show.” Oh, I got it! Let’s paint Obama in this “savior” light based on his Berlin speech!

Beth: Most of our people are very, very religious – that would probably make them vote for B.H.O. over Mr. McCain, seeing as how they might actually believe he’s the second coming of Jesus…

Michael: …Not true, Beth – our core base of voters would never believe Jesus was, or ever could be black.

Ann: Well, maybe we can compare him to some celebrities – they’re popular and kids look up to them, right?

Beth: Ann, I don’t see where you’re going with this.

Ann: Well, most of our side dislikes the things that this younger generation is doing and they need someone to look up to! We can do a parody-type thing, again, only this time base it around his Berlin speech –

Michael: It was already done on those damned interwebs. People didn’t respond to it at all; it just sat there and rotted away.

Beth: Well, how about we take it to the next level and bring in some real firepower – our core hates Paris Hilton and Britteny Spears more than anything in the world – let’s combine them with a large crowd of youngsters and some loud noise!

Ann, Michael: Book it. Done.

Meanwhile, back in the real world…

Gandhi is still one of the most looked-up to people in the world, and although he is no longer with us, he is still a celebrity in his own right. His beliefs and ideas were based around a pacifistic core; speak to your enemies and do not resort to violence.

…Martin Luther King, Jr. was the foil of Malcolm X. Instead of having young black men rise up and take their anger and use it for violence against “the system,” MLK preached and spoke of peace – bringing the white and the black together and “overcoming.”

So, John McCain, you’re not as popular, as good-looking, or even as diplomatic as Barack Obama. What’s the next ad on the way?

McCain ’08: Because my second wife is rich and hot.

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Mike Hampton injury pool

I hate to say this, but it’s bound to happen…The Mike Hampton injury pool is back!

I think he’ll last less than 40 pitches, which sucks for me, having him start on my fantasy team. And, being a Braves fan, I really hope he decimates the Phillies’ lineup, but to be completely honest, it’s been so long since he’s pitched, I don’t even remember what the man throws.

Maybe that’ll help him.

Ideas? Bets? Let me know; leave something below.

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plurality with elimination

I originally wrote this during a really simple math class during my last semester of college. I recently re-found the .doc file, so I copied / pasted it here (with the mis-spellings that were in the .pdf corrected) so everyone can have a good laugh.

Keep in mind that this was written as it was happening; it’s kind of a look inside my mind as events unfold. Let me know what you think; if people like it, I’d love to do more of this kind of stuff. Enjoy.

She’s on a rampage of speaking way too softly for a room this size. At least she’s starting to write EVERYTHING on the board…too bad it’s exactly the same in the book.

Again with the obvious mistakes. She says 12 would be a majority with 21 votes; she’s correct, however, the minimum total (like she always wants) would be 11.

I guess teaching this class or working with the people in the Math department would be a royal mindfuck if I were in her shoes, but by the same token, every editor of the Courier [post-published note: the Courier is the name of my college newspaper, and I was on the editorial staff as well as writing for two years] has to deal with some stupidity at times, but we turn out alright at the end of the day.

At the very least we take some life experience out of the deal. Lesson? Cope, woman.

Cope.

Well, in the end, it’s taken her just under 30 minutes to do 2 problems on the board (which just happen to be simple addition and subtraction, mind you), and I’m damn near the point of no return.

I’d be passed out in a heartbeat if my desk wasn’t sloped towards me; the last thing I need is for my head to hit my desk and knock over my coffee.

Then I’d be asleep in the only thing that keeps me awake.

That’s irony to the nth degree.

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Random Rant: Fantasy Baseball and it’s Effects on a Male’s Tear Ducts

My team (a standard roto league hosted on Yahoo!)…well, read the topic.

For starters, I managed to miss my entire draft (I worked a double that night at my old job) and didn’t get a chance to edit my pre-draft rankings. The end result? No closers and 6 outfielders.

So I worked around it, making some fantastic pickups after the draft (Nate McLouth, stand up! Ryan Theriot, you’re cool, too). I wasn’t fantastic, however, also grabbing Tom Gordon and Boof Bosner early in the season…we all know how well they worked out (assuming you follow baseball / watch SportsCenter).

Anyway, the Cubs have been the surprise story of the year, having the best record in baseball and all that, so I was in good shape with Carlos Marmol – one of the best middle relievers in the game, a fantastic amount of strikeouts, and Kerry Wood closing games at the moment – seems like a sure thing every time he enters a game…except for this week. He’s been horrid, to say the least. [UPDATE: Marmol just gave up 5 earned on 5 hits in one inning, no walks, no K’s. Thanks, buddy. Let me grab more tissues]

[UPDATE 2: Marmol is now only charged with 4 earned runs, 5 hits, and a walk. That’s not exactly fantastic for a guy’s WHIP.]

Oh, and I drafted Eric Byrnes in the 5th round and Curtis Granderson in the 3rd. That’s all I have to say about those two.

All that, and I’m still 2nd overall in my league. Here’s to a nice post-break push.

Have any fantasy sports-related horror stories? Ever watch a game and cringe when someone comes up to bat / from the bullpen? Comment below and we can “vent” just like those Miller Lite commercials, only over the ‘net, which means we can complain incessantly and watch as absolutely nothing happens as a result.

I can dig it.

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We’re all right – we’re all calm!

[I’ll fix the linkage and such in the morning. Good night…-tK]

A brief back-story before I actually hit on today’s topic:

I was thinking of naming this blog something abstract / new age-y / “hip” / as the kids call it, “trendy,” but I ultimately decided to stick with something simple. I write about a myriad of things (and I hate when people would write that part of the last sentence “…I write about myriad things!” – It doesn’t sound right and for the love of the English language I hope that it’s just an overuse of the “synonyms” button in Word and nothing more…), so therefore saying something like “I live in PA and have zero love for the Phillies” sounds like it should be a sports-related blog (which it will be some days), “I drank 4 cups of coffee before 9:30 this morning!!!1!!” sounds like my persona is nicknamed Caffeine Man (worst super power EVER – how hard is it to tap your leg or twitch your head or tweak out all day? That’s so common they have pills for it), and “Football is fantastic to watch when you’re trashed!” makes it sound like I’m either a typical 18-25 year old guy (ok, I can rock with this) or a bombed-off-his-barstool 70-year-old English guy who loves ‘football-and-if-you-call-it-soccer-we’ll-have-a-fist-to-cuffs, mate’).

But I digress…

I really wanted to write about complacency today (which is why I chose a RATM line, I guess), but that’s not happening. I just can’t think of a way to approach the topic the way I’d like to. It happens. Welcome to the blog of one of the most over-active imaginations / minds in recent memory.

Seriously.

It’s not often I can sit and write about what I’d really like to, but it’s ok – most of the time something equally as good or even better will come to light.

I wrote short prose about LINK HERE TO MY PORTFOLIO/THEPDF FILE living pencils (see page WHATEVER PAGE ITS ON), FFS…

Aw, why not…

Random Idea Day.

// Why do people feel the need to brake uphill?

// Most things that are on sale aren’t really cheaper per pound / per item. For example, I was buying stuff for my apartment and I saw a woman grabbing up those 25-gallon garbage bags like she was Ms. Pac-Man. She had at least 40 sleeves (those small boxes) in her cart. When the shelf was bare and she was in another aisle, I walked over and checked them out. Per bag, the ‘sale’ price of the 20-piece sleeve of 25-gallon garbage bags was something like 22 cents (Don’t hold me to these prices, as they are almost certainly not accurate, but the difference is). Directly above it was a larger sleeve of 50. Same brand, same design on the box, same colors, even. 4 cents a bag cheaper. However, because there was a bright red-and-white “SALE” sign on the 20-piece sleeve, the lady bought whatever was left on the shelf.

// On another note, who the hell goes through that many garbage bags?

// An average person fills their gas tank once every two weeks. The average tank holds between 12-16 gallons of gas. Why are people in an uproar over “insanely high gas prices” (don’t forget this ‘uproar’ began when gas started moving upwards from THREE dollars a gallon) when they’re spending 12-16 dollars more every time they fill up, which, again, is about every two weeks?

At three dollars a gallon, the average person would spend 36-48 dollars every two weeks on gas.

Four dollars a gallon brings that number to 48-64 dollars every fill-up, which is, again, a whopping 12-16 dollars more each fill-up.

Now, what gets me the most is how these people who are attempting to do what’s referred to as a ‘gas tax holiday.’ Stupid, stupid, stupid. “Here, let’s make the DoT’s revenue disappear during their busiest time of the year so people can save about 30 cents a gallon (~3.60-4.80 a fill-up) for about two months.”

// What happened to fiscal responsibility on both a personal and national scale?

// Oh, Reuters. Since when is an LINK HERE (FROM FARK) Indian hoax newspaper story passed off as ‘real’ news? “You would think a press release about a German Nazi war criminal named Johann Bach being caught in the jungles of Goa after trying to sell a stolen 18th-century piano would be worth double-checking…”

…that’s all I have.

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