John McCain, the presumptive GOP nominee for president, has a new attack ad that targets Barack Obama, the presumptive Democratic nominee.
“He’s the biggest celebrity in the world,” the ad begins, while flashing pictures of Brittney Spears and Paris Hiton over a video of an Obama speech and chants of “OBAMA, OBAMA!”
Near the end of the (thankfully short) 30 second video, the voice-over announces “higher taxes, more foreign oil. That’s the real Obama.”
Juxtaposing a presidential candidate who has a Harvard law degree with the likes of a singer-turned-batshit insane and a hotel heiress who’s largest claim to fame is from a sex tape? Come on now. It doesn’t even make any sense.
So what, people like Obama. It happens. I like the man. I’m still trying to find time between working two jobs and freelancing so I can volunteer for his campaign more. Yes, he is charismatic. Ok, that part we get…so now, since I’ve suddenly hit a creative binge, let’s take a look inside the minds of John McCain’s marketing strategists before this ad was thought up:
SETUP…After watching a FOX News clip of Obama playing basketball during his stay in Iraq.
Michael: Physical features? We can do an ad attacking how Obama looks too good to be the President – a man with such a high power should not be looking like he goes to the gym in the morning.
Ann: Come on now, we’ve all seen the FedEx commercial where everyone is what their name suggests, and there was already a Mr. Turkeyneck, so there’s really no other platform to run Mr. McCain on. Besides, a reporter already asked that question and those damned liberal baby-killing bloggers came out firing.
Beth: I know! Those evil Marxist God-haters! Yes they deserve to die, and I hope they burn in hell!
Michael, Ann: Beth – that’s a bit much.
Beth: I know, but that was my Samuel L. Jackson sound byte of the day! Gotcha!
Michael, Ann: -GROAN- You got us…
Beth: Seriously though, we can get some younger voters on board with us by channeling a popular show on MTV and using it to show people how John McCain isn’t unlike them at all!
Michael: No-go. Tried that idea once before and then that John Stewart got a hold of it and made fun of us on his “Daily Show.” Oh, I got it! Let’s paint Obama in this “savior” light based on his Berlin speech!
Beth: Most of our people are very, very religious – that would probably make them vote for B.H.O. over Mr. McCain, seeing as how they might actually believe he’s the second coming of Jesus…
Michael: …Not true, Beth – our core base of voters would never believe Jesus was, or ever could be black.
Ann: Well, maybe we can compare him to some celebrities – they’re popular and kids look up to them, right?
Beth: Ann, I don’t see where you’re going with this.
Ann: Well, most of our side dislikes the things that this younger generation is doing and they need someone to look up to! We can do a parody-type thing, again, only this time base it around his Berlin speech –
Michael: It was already done on those damned interwebs. People didn’t respond to it at all; it just sat there and rotted away.
Beth: Well, how about we take it to the next level and bring in some real firepower – our core hates Paris Hilton and Britteny Spears more than anything in the world – let’s combine them with a large crowd of youngsters and some loud noise!
Ann, Michael: Book it. Done.
Meanwhile, back in the real world…
…Gandhi is still one of the most looked-up to people in the world, and although he is no longer with us, he is still a celebrity in his own right. His beliefs and ideas were based around a pacifistic core; speak to your enemies and do not resort to violence.
…Martin Luther King, Jr. was the foil of Malcolm X. Instead of having young black men rise up and take their anger and use it for violence against “the system,” MLK preached and spoke of peace – bringing the white and the black together and “overcoming.”
So, John McCain, you’re not as popular, as good-looking, or even as diplomatic as Barack Obama. What’s the next ad on the way?
McCain ’08: Because my second wife is rich and hot.